The Australian Monarchist League...

... circulated a weird self-congratulatory message (wot I'll link to later, if I can find it in cyberspace). In it they said:

Our Constitution and our Queen are now uniquely Australian. Were this not so, how else could Australians themselves determine whether or not to retain OUR Crown in OUR Constitution?

So here's an unsuitable reply:

---

Dear Australians,

Please, if we asked really nicely, could you just take the royal family
over to Oz and look after them for us?

You must have some space, say in the Northern Territories, and they only want a few million a month. We'll even let you have Buck House, cheap, as long as you're prepared to dig it up yourselves, and agree to take the Japanese tourists too.

Actually, there's a real business opportunity for you here: if you could find spots for the entire civil list, we might even chip in a bit ourselves, at least for the first few months, to help get them settled.

In the worst case, there are a few of them who would probably be happier in Argentina or Chile, which, we understand, are both nearby. So if they do start strutting about and wearing too much brown, at least you've got options. But then we hear you have your own Grand Prix, so they needn't be totally out of touch with their little friends, which should keep them reasonably docile. They wouldn't be too much trouble, especially if you give them some aborigines to oppress.

As for the constitution bit of constitutional monarchy, there, we're afraid you're out of luck, cobbers. We've been trying for the last 40 years or so to get them to understand what constitution means, and what their job is in that regard, but we can't get through to 'em.
It's probably just in-breeding: they still all look like the Kaiser to us (even the female ones), so admittedly that could be a problem. We even tried crossing one with an American, but that only led to a couple escaping to Paris. It wasn't a great loss, but it was embarrassing.

Anyway, as long as you don't let them near anything too fragile or important, and make absolutely certain they can't sign anything, you should be all right. On the good side, they're still fairly decorative (apart from Charles), and mostly harmless (apart from Charles), and are good on telly (but do keep Philip away from Orientals when the cameras are running).

You could do a lot worse: that Dutch lot, for example.

If you're prepared to throw in Kylie in exchange, we can probably offer you a slightly better price. It won't be much of a discount, but you'll have the moral satisfaction of knowing you're making the entire British nation (and especially a lot of middle-aged, British men) very happy.

If you're interested, give Mandy a bell. He's just been made a Sweetie Of The Realm, so he's as qualified as anyone else to negotiate on our behalf.

Hope to be hearing from you really soon.

The British People